I've been dealing with some heavy subjects on the blog as of late so figured it was a good time to lighten up the mood.
This piece had actually been written with ample time in Calgary except that it didn't pass the censor board at the time and was relegated to being stored in the archives. But now it finds its way to the spotlight and hopefully everyone enjoys it.
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For all those who ever wondered what it means when the media refers to the Islamic World, you’re about to find out. This post was inspired by my favorite Muslim blogger.
DISCLAIMER: When I talk about specific countries or races, I refer to their governments and not the people because good and bad persons exist everywhere though we seem to have had more than our share of lunatics running the government. So without further adieu, I present to you a cross section of the Muslim world:
*trumpet sounds with red carpets being rolled out*
F is for Arab Countries
A special National Geographic team sent to the Middle East to determine who exactly constitutes an Arab came back even more confused than before they had left.
So who are these A-rabs?
Think of them as the Ottawa Senators of the yesteryears. What do I mean by that?
Well, they started off at the bottom of the barrel with no hope. One blunder after another became a blessing in disguise when they won the draft lottery and thanks to some meticulous planning combined with far-sighted thinking, managed to develop a great team. That is until they hit the playoffs in which they crashed and burnt faster than the claims of WMDs in Iraq.
For my cricket fans, following analogy might make more sense. They were like the South Africans, off the radar screen from the international scene for decades, exploded on to the scene during the ‘92 World Cup and lost unfairly in the semi-finals. Took the cricket world by storm becoming the model for every team with more players than cricketers only to become involved in the infamous match-fixing scandal and now reduced to securing surprise victories from time to time.
For the soccer lovers, think of them as the Greek team. Spectacular defense and commitment to organized play meant they came out of nowhere to surprise everyone and win the Euro 2004. Down side being that success got to their heads resulting in not even qualifying for the upcoming World Cup. Now they sit in oblivion, wallowing over past glory.
For people who can’t differentiate between Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan, think of them as the hare that went to sleep because he was comfortably ahead in the rat race; except that it hasn’t woken up yet.
With a penchant for ‘fight-first-think-later’ attitude, there was a time when the immense natural wealth was a beacon of hope. But the attitude of partying like in the Playboy mansion coupled with losing heavily lopsided wars to underdogs and superiors alike (US and Israel anyone?), now seem to be contemplating the next course of action.
They imagine themselves to be the centre of the universe, kind of like the Americans; twisted irony methinks. One-for-one and none-for-all motto had led to incredible individual achievements around the world but infighting has led to them sinking faster than the Titanic.
Led by rulers such as Mohammar “I make stupid fashion statements” Gaddafi, Anwar “I like losing wars” Sadaat, Hosni “I will rule till I die” Mubarak, King “I can barely speak my country’s language” Abdullah of Jordan, and last but not least, King “I loves My Oil” Fahad of Saudi Arabia, it’s no wonder that the hole keeps getting deeper and deeper.
D is for Pakistan
Who are these Pakistanis??
Well children, thinking of themselves as the saviors of the Muslim world, they have managed to get involved in every quagmire only to realize they can’t even solve their own problems.
With a language loaded with heavy Arabic-Persian influence and a culture that is ironically close to their arch rivals, they seem to be in limbo on what to do. Well, if this trio wasn’t having enough fun, in comes the saddle-loving cowboy from the land Columbus declared to be their sworn enemy. You can imagine how confused the Pakistanis must have been finding out they fought three wars against a nation that was half way across the world from them.
Follow me? Good.
Squabble over a useless piece of land with a country that sorely tries to convince itself of being secularist, both of them are going down the drain, only that someone forgot to mention that it leads to a sewer.
So in the end they tried to imitate everyone and anyone, only to go crazy and develop the nuclear bomb to garner some attention and a sense of definition for their existence.
C is for Iran
Oh yes, the beloved Persians.
Always threatening to blow up everything and anything in sight, they seem to float in and out of the realms of sanity. Like a teenager who refuses to grow up, they lash out in an original way each time. And not to mention their fondness for revolutionary change – kind of like the Russians and the French but unlike the Canadians.
Not like the French in the sense that they go hiding in the Eiffel Tower every time an army of farmers with pitchforks threatens them but because they both give off this ‘arteest’ image; Iranians being the poor starving cousin at the family reunions.
Like the Russians because they both want to control their populations with iron fists except that the Ayatollah makes for a far more scarier leader with a black turban and the monster size posters on streets than what Putin manages with his bald head.
B is for Turkey
The original bad boys of the Muslim world made the stupid mistake of taking the helm of a sinking ship and then decided to drill a couple of extra holes on the deck to hasten the process. Once in the water, managed to stay afloat unlike their Arab counterparts and now sorely want to come aboard the luxury cruise liner also known as the European Union.
The sad part being that the snobs on the cruise line have asked them to dance to their tunes like a well-trained monkey and they happily obliged. Well, whether they make it to the luxury deck or not, at least they have a few dance tricks to impress other countries with at the family reunion (the same one that the Persians attend).
A is for Malaysia
Now my favorite, the Malaysians. Don’t ever recall meeting one but if they’re all like ex-president Mahathir, then I’m impressed already. They’re like that one person in the mosque who is always there in the first row isha’a and fajr with a noor-filled face. He possesses immense knowledge and wisdom but is often drowned out by his I-like-to-talk-because-I-have-a-loud-voice colleague.
With emphasis on economic development, preservation of human rights and a banking system compatible with Islamic Law (ie. no interest), they have managed to become a beacon of light in this storm for the rest to follow.
Sadly, they don’t get any respect at the reunion; the same one which the Persians pretend to be too cool to care about, Pakistanis try too hard to fit in while the Arab countries run around in circles like headless chickens.
My poor friends Afghanis who seem to be getting bombed even farther back than the stone ages every couple of decades. They’re like the person who seems to have all the bad luck and combined with a nasty hair day, makes for the poor soul on the bus that everyone pretends doesn’t exist.
I feel for the Bosnians and the Chechnyans, as they got massacred before even realizing what hit them. Always forgotten and never mentioned, remain one of the most intriguing sets of people to learn about.
The Bangladeshis are too busy dealing with the never ending monsoon season that floods the whole country, turning it into Venice of the poor man.
All in all, their gatherings make for interesting family reunions!
hah, I will give it to you Faraz. You engineers are sometimes actually semi-interesting and manage to be witty.
Although I would modify the Bangladesh description a bit:
"The genius brothers of the Pakistanis who never get their due at family reunions. Known to consume massive amounts of fish loaded with omega-3 fatty acids leading to scary intellectual ability (cue all the Bengali med students, doctors, and BUET graduating engineering transfer students at the UofA). The Bengalis can't seem to get any attention even in the age of the war on terror even after fundamentalists in the country resembling unorganized, uneducated TJs manage to detonate 500 bombs across the country SIMULTANEOUSLY. Achievements such as this make only a slight blip on the BBC's radar while the US news media almost totally ignores it (the US does not need pointed inquiries about why they're not invading Bangladesh because really.. it's not worth their time). Should be mentioned also that the Bengalis have an uncanny ability at being deceptive and being underestimated. A nation of farmers and fishermen with pitchforks and stones manage to make life hell for their occupying Pakistani brothers and gain independence. Some Bengalis have uncanny oriental features especially in the regions of Chittagong and Rangpur (my origins) due to close proximity to Burma, Nepal etc."
waits to get shut down especially on the Bengalish fighting Pakistanis part... :D
(you should note Faraz that I'm so apathetic about nationalistic pride and so on that everything that I've put on here is just to poke some fun and I don't mean no harm to ze Pakistanis :D)
lol funny stuffs mister...too bad you're not even slightly politically correct on a lot of that stuff.
You never told me you had a blog!
Yes I agree, Arabs need to wake up. So does the rest of the Muslim world for that matter.
long read. but definitely worth it!
:D
lol
(just a bit confused on the whole alphabetical part of it...)
*walks off confused but laughing..*
Muntaka: I'm happy that you consider the Pakistanis as your brothers :-) And don't worry, nobody thinks you're nationalistic ;-)
First anon: Who dare say i'm incorrect? Those Senators couldn't win a stanley cup if they were the only team in the playoffs!
Second anon: As for the alphabetical system, it represents the grade that each country gets. Good job noticing that :-)
By the way guyz, I'm going to write a post about this soon but if you are planning to use anything off my blog, please don't mention my name or the blog address?
The reason being that I'm still not ready to go completely public with the blog though I have a hunch that it has already happened.
